Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
It's been over a year!
Friday, September 21, 2007
Gymming
1. Pill-Up (The Hypochondriac Gym);
2. Gymmy Choos (For gay people, George Bush, and women in stilletos only);
3. Dum Aloo (Even potatoes can be fit);
Shyte. The others names slip my memory. Da-dum.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Just being a Goose, really
I've binged on the art of formatting correctly before. It was something that prompted a fellow intern at a certain law firm to believe that I was, well, mad; it was also something that drove my supervisor-lawyer-type to shower all sorts of blessings on my oversized head. But the fact that I'm addicted to a particular type of document has me rather worried: I do, of course, have a problem with addictions, but of what intensity I ask? (My eyebrows and voice raise themselves in forbidding melodrama). It'll be newspapers next, or milk powder, or maybe even "educational material"! I'm a goose. Do geese get addicted to things? Wait, this is a literary trick I have used before. Save me, someone. Well, actually, don't. I might get addicted to getting saved. Now that sounds promising.
Let me change the subject to something less delightful. I have also, of late, discovered something that puts me to sleep better than Phenergan or Cetrizine (spell-check recommended, here) - it's a professor. I shall call him Prince Charming, for the sake of "brevity", for he is stuck-up, pompous, sweaty, Punjabi, and of considerable proportions, not to mention his speech delivery is apparently suited to test your HQ (Hearing Quotient). You get full marks if you can count his "number-of-words-per-minute", because they're usually three or four. And these three or four words stretch like some great American spandex, which makes you believe you've slipped into a Palahniuk-type alternate world where everything is, well, slow. Plus, the subject is rather intensely dull, intense like how anti-matter must be. I must not fully reveal this professor's identity, given the possibility of being made to endure his classes wide awake, which, at all costs, cannot be allowed to happen. I shall need a new drool box, though. I can't drool.
Anyway, the Unforgivable Curse has lifted. I was able to make it to college with a full four hours of sleep - in my own house. I should be writing about Hatter, Doofus and Matheran any time now. It's just that, well, the pictures have been sort of lost in the intricate world of My Computer, created thoughtfully by my brother to try every last bit of my emaciated patience (that screams itself hoarse in the smoky hollows of my emaciated outer "covering", read body). I've commenced making backups of backups of backups (i.e. pluralised and not ripped off from "a copy of a copy of a copy"), and hiding them all over the place. It's my own idiotic little world of hide-and-seek pleasures. I really have nothing better to do with my time. I do actually have a lot of better things to do with my time, but I pretend to not have anything better to do with my time. It's a time-consuming way of being, all this awareness and pretense, and consciousness and general stupidity. Entertaining, though.
It just struck me how Bollywood movies are actually quite brilliant. They know how to treat emotions the smart way. I can practically hear the stereotype scream through his haut-parleur (I'm sorry, but the English equivalent of this escapes me at the moment): "Hamne is emotion ke liye, yeh gaana select kiya hai. Total mein hamarey paas saat emotions hain, toh matlab saat gaane. Oye, woh pehla waala kya tha yaar...?"
How much simpler could it get? Just for the fun of it, try reading Exiles by James Joyce, and follow it up by a quick run of Bunty aur Bubli or Corporate or something. They aren't much different, really, though, superficially, well....
Okay then. Sorry for the bullshit.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Hatter and Doofus go to Matheran
As I look for the fundamental cause of my sleeplessness, I'm faced with several options: (a) it's the mosquitoes; (b) it's the cold; (c) it's me. I can't help but go with (c). Guess what! I don't want to sleep! I want to be awake throughout the night just so I'd be able to complain about it in the morning! I want to be awake because, once asleep, I may not wake up (for class).
There, the "Save Now" link is expanding again. Am I seeing things? I think it's the inhaler. The inhaler's gotta go.
***
I suddenly realized that I completely forgot to put up the Matheran pictures! Haw, matlab...a friend from school (for the sake of simplicity and anonymity, we shall call him Doofus) and I took a trip all the way to Matheran, a tiny village/resort thing tucked away in the Western Ghats. The journey was fun, more fun than Matheran itself. We took a bus from Pune to Khopoli, then a bus to Narel, then a train to Karjat, and finally a taxi to Matheran. Gawd, this sounds like a brochure. I'm sorry, I cannot travel-write to save me life.
Note that these are cellular phone pictures that haven't been tampered with ... do excuse the quality. Also note that we haven't reached Matheran yet. I've decided to take this slowly, as went our trip. The first image is of the J.M. Road - Ghole Road crossing, very early in the morning, taken from our bus. As you can see, Pune's quite pixelated, quite the Gaussian blur guinea pig.
The second peep-shot was taken at the Shivajinagar bus terminal (we're still in Pune, by the way). At this point, Dooofus and I were contemplating getting off the ST bus, and trying to catch a Volvo instead. But since we're lazy, indecisive fools...we never really got off. Well, Doofus got off, but he might have had to pee. He pretended to get some fresh air... :)
So now we're at document iconique 3, and we've progressed fairly: We're still at the Shivajinagar bus-terminal, and Doofus has run out of that precious yellow liquid (;p); I, on the contrary, continue to take idiotic black-n-white images of nothing in particular, my bladder full and bursting. Sigh. These trips, I tell thee...
Finally, we're at Khopoli or "one-of-those-other-town-types", I really can't remember which. This photograph marks the onset of a relationship: Doofus, Abandonment and I. Note how the, er, building is called "Abandoned No. 1". Quite the Govinda fan, eh? This shall become relevant much later, though, as I shall introduce you to at least one more dyslexic aluminium structure...
That's it for now. I wouldn't want to ruin the journey for you. Me and my fantashtic Nokia phone-with-camera-that-makes-things-look-pretty shall be back. And Doofus consents too. I mean, he hasn't really consented, but what with his MA and all, I'm sure he's utterly jobless.
Alas!! By golly miss Molly!! How very absurd!! It is indeed 3.40 am. I must not sleep, I must not sleep, I msut nt slepe, i m't t lep...*dull thud*.
Barbershop (and other things)
"Sadhu-bhai," he says, "Hum sirf daadhi nahin kaatenge...baal bhi kaatne padhenge."
Sadhu-bhai? Now I wish to behave like Victorian novelty, turn into an elderly lady and exclaim, "Well I never!" But I don't do that either. I look around myself and realize that I'm vastly outnumbered. Sigh.
I just smile at him and tell him, "Haan, theek hai. Kaat lo jo kaatna hai." Wait, that didn't come off right. He's goggling at me and my disastrous Hindi, his lips mouthing a very meaningful, "Saala chootiya."
Anyway, he takes it all off with a mix of precision, cruelty and utter devotion, and I become a new person. I feel light, unburdened...
***
But then, about a week ago, I contracted a miserable flu that worsens in proportion to the medication I consume. There are four specific stages to this monstrosity of a cold:
Stage I - My nose runs quicker than the Nile on a slope, and I'm reaching out for handkerchiefs (always in short supply) like a kerchief-obsessed stick-insect;
Stage II - I refuse all medication with bravado and vociferousness, and prefer to restrict myself to various forms of alcohol and cigarettes (I can't have the medicines because they'll react with the alcohol...*sigh*);
Stage III - My brother (he must have left his brains behind during birth) provides me with his "home-remedy" ( a cigarette soaked in Vicks Vaporub, which I must smoke quickly for it may fizzle and die) and I feel as though I may fizzle and die. I slide smoothly from Stage II to Stage IV, with only a few puffs and a few hundred earth-shattering coughs;
Stage IV - I suddenly realize the reasons for medicine manufacture, and saunter off to a chemist. I stock up Vicks Inhalers, Vaporubs (this one, for my brother), Amoxicillin, and B-Complex "Fortified with Vitamin C". I attack these with fervour and a heretofore unseen sense of responsibility. I feel confident that I shall make it through (this is today, by the way).
***
Then again, check out Diamonds and Rust for a more complete (and hilariously subjective) account of the "things" that have come to pass. Note how the first female President competes with new Pune club rules for blog space. Kudos!
I, personally, am infatuated with a mouse:
I turn around, and she is there again,
Why does she watch me so?
She does not sleep, or eat, or drink, or smoke,
But is quite so fascinating all the same.
Her eye is queer; it is hollow and cold,
And I know she does not approve;
I drink my wine the way it is drunk,
So why does she watch me so?
I run in vain, for she is quick, this one;
And I wail in silence, for she listens;
And I wail even more, for she does not speak,
And I wail and I wail and I wail.
I would pray to the Lord, but I know she would laugh,
And mock me for my insincerity;
She does not pray herself, this one, and
Indeed, holds my God captive and forlorn!
I find the darkest corner, sit myself down,
Think how it is insufferably, cheerfully bright;
I wish to make it darker, I do!
But she always holds the light.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Water
It is my humble request to everyone who reads this post to please, please, PLEASE check out this link:
www.endwaterpoverty.org
Basically, 'End Water Poverty' is a campaign urging the G8 Nations to address the issue of water scarcity, poverty, etc. in the developing nations of the world, at the upcoming G8 summit at Berne, on June 8.
It takes just five minutes to sign up, and send across a brief message to the German Chancellor. Maybe it'll make a difference, maybe it won't...but five minutes is all it takes!!